Our lady action heros aren't worth their Salt.....

Angelia Jolie is beautiful but is she a convincing CIA agent?

So I just watched the film Salt with Angelia Jolie, now whilst one cannot dispute that Ms Jolie is beautiful (husband says not but I don't believe him) and talented, she's been great in certain films - Girl Interrupted, The Changeling. 
However, Salt was utter rubbish. 


This was annoying because not only did Salt steal 90mins of my life, it was one of those films that could have been quite good. 


It had potential, big budget, good action scenes, interesting story, albeit formulaic. Lone female CIA agent avenging murdered husband, wrongly accused of a crime and ultimately saving the entire world from nuclear destruction. 


I was preped for some 'You go girl' whooping, but alas Salt failed to deliver any girl power moments. 


Instead I was thinking- 
'if I were a rogue agent trying to avoid capture by being incognito,.... I wouldn't waltz around wearing a couture fur trimmed cape and matching fur hat.' 


Jolie simply wasn't believable as a crack CIA agent, trained since childhood to be a hybird killing machine and the most dangerous woman in the world.

Angelina Jolie as an AWOL CIA agent

I thought about why this was and I think the main reason is they just make her wear to much lip gloss. 


I refuse to believe that a real female CIA agents wear so much make up and such ridiculous outfits! 






At one point in Salt as Jolie is sent to assassinate the Russian President so she meticulously gets her killing kit together ready to go. Semtex check, weapons check, night visions goggles check, vemon extracted from a deadly spider check. 


Then she appears fully made up with a vixen hair doo,  that she's whittled with a swiss army knife. Maybe that's what they teach at SAS boot camp. 


So, do you suppose in the mists of the preparations, she just had time to whip out her make up bag and expertly apply a full on smoky eye, a light touch of High beam and Mac glass affect lip gloss - 'Can't be seen murdering a global leader with out my face on', she must have thought.


There's even one scene where she's supposed to have been tortured and beaten, one of her eyes is swollen and heavily bloodied. 


You imagine her having spent days in captivity at the mercy of ruthless tortures, who then it seems kindly let he re-apply her slap before leaving. 


Smoky eye again, exactly what you'd choose as your 'look of the day' if you'd just been water boarded and punched in the face repeatedly. 

Angelina's  CIA agent's practical 'day make-up'

It's also the outfits they always make them wear, chasing 'assets' through cobbled streets and jumping between roof tops in stiletto's and pencil skirts..really!!! 


As a person who has attempted running for the bus in a similar combo minus the AK47, I tell you it's just not possible.


This is the second film I have seen recently where the lead was a non-believable CIA agent, I also saw Fair Game where Naomi Watts was supposed to be real life CIA agent Valerie Palme. 


Even though Naomi was playing a real CIA agent she wasn't believable either. Unable to frown when the terrorist cell is compromised because of to much botox but always managing to re-apply the lippy to her pout. 


Don't get me wrong I'm not anti lip gloss, I love lip gloss, but I question if it's a priority for a CIA field agent?

Naomi Watts in her 'everyday' CIA garb
must be like working at the Vogue  office.

Maybe it is, maybe the powder room at the Pentagon is like the loo's at the Roxy disco on a Saturday night. 


I am sorely disappointed. They're presumably out there these female CIA agents and international assassins. So why aren't  being portrayed more convincingly in films?


Another thing with Jolie in Salt was the fight scene's they were simply awful - she's so thin and frail looking the notion that she could kick the ass of a 17stone man is frankly laughable. 

It's not so much that she's thin either, it's her frailness, she looks ill, weak, there's no strength to her thinness. She doesn't look strong enough to lift a fork let alone kick a man's ass.


The difference I suppose is if you consider Uma Thurman in Kill Bill even though she's thin, she's lean, she has an athletic strength to her slenderness and a posture that makes you think, yeah maybe she could beat up 88 ninja's. 


But Jolie's frame and posture is not convincing as strong enough to support herself dangling of a moving lorry.

Kate Beckinsale: Corseted PVC catsuit in Underworld

Sienna Miller : Corseted leather
catsuit....is there just like
one costume designer in Hollywood.

Now, you could argue that Jolie was more convincing in an action role as Lara Croft but this got me thinking that it's a matter of context. 


It seems there's a lot of female action hero's around, but only in a certain genre of film either fantasy or comedy. If you think about most action films with female lead roles most are super human-fantasy - Tomb Raider, Underworld, X-Men, Cat Woman. 


These are all women who are touched by some 'super human' or 'super natural' quality. For example they're part Vampire or a genetically modified mutant and they're also always in some variation of a corseted PVC catsuit. 

Beautiful Michelle Pfifer as
Cat woman the origns of the PVC catsuit maybe?

Again, this strikes me as strange anyone who's ever worn a PVC corset or catsuit for more than 2 minutes will verify - it is not the 'outfit of choice' for saving the world in! 






A PVC catsuit is not conducive to running, jumping, shooting guns and doing high kicks. The amount of talc one would have to apply beforehand boggles the mind. 


So what does this mean?...Hollywood like's women in action films to look like dominatrix madame's?...hmmmmmm...I wonder why that is?....Could it be because they are pandering to a male fantasy?

Charlize Theron: Corseted
but gets a bit more lyrca

Even beloved Trinity had to have
 a more defined corseted PVC catsuit for the Matrix squeal

Milla Jovovich: Resident Evil

Charlie's Angels: looking... oooooh really scary 
don't mess with these ladies or they'll pillow fight you to death!

The other genre where women feature in actions roles is films like Charlie's Angles where there's an element of tongue in cheek humour, you know your not supposed to believe that Cameron Diaz could actually sucker punch a gangland villain, so it's funny.

On the most part though, when Hollywood puts women in action roles in which are trying to achieve a level of dramatic realism it doesn't seem to work. 


Demi More I believe did try in G.I Jane, but the film let her down and then there was that other one with Meg Ryan as a army hero which was plain cringeville. 

Demi Moore in feistier days. 

The only films I could think of where the female action stars are convincing were Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2 and Signorney Weaver in Aliens. Isn't that sad just two, if you can think of any more do let me know. 

Linda Hamilton is hard:
I'm on the bus with you Linda!

Sigorney Weaver:
'Get away from her you bitch!' Whoop!

I've always had a feeling Sharon Stone would have been good, after her valid attempts to round house Arnie in Total Recall. 


But instead she flashed her muff at Michael Douglas and the rests as they say is Hollywood history. 


It's not about them being sexy either, both Hamilton and Weaver are sexy women in those roles. Who can forget Sigorney standing in her plain white pants after awakening from hyper sleep. 
My teenage brother nearly broke our VHS he paused that bit of Alien so many times. 

Sigorney Weaver: Sexy action hero
no PVC catsuit just plain white knickers
she may even have a bit of armpit hair going on (?!)

The difference is it's wasn't the now staple formulised definition of Hollywood sexy; heels, lip gloss, pneumatic knockers and PVC catsuit.

I read that during the making of Titanic, they even recreated the exact dinner plates and silverware they would have had on board the Titanic to create authenticity. 


I'd like to suggest to the producers, costume designers and make up artist of Salt that they should have applied the same amount of authenticity and let Jolie save the world with a scrub face and in trainers. 

Who drives the vanity though I wonder? Is it the patriarchal studio bosses demanding female objectification, so that even female CIA agents still have to be 'sexy' when stalking terrorists.  


Or is it the actresses themselves being so vain, they can't bare to be in a film without full on party make up?


I also saw Mission Impossible recently and again this stereo type was present.  The evil female assassin Sabine Moreau and the goody IMF agent Jane Carter who are both gorgeous. Fight to the death in clingy designer outfit's and sky-high heels without so much as messing up their blow dried locks. 


To be fair though Mission Impossible is probably not the best example as the male characters are also clichéd. Good Ol' Tom Crusie camping it up in designer suits and I'm quite sure he is wearing as much lip gloss as the ladies - well at least they're being equal!


The problem for me is I just can't imagine if I were a female CIA agent who knew where the nuke's were, that I'd give a shit about applying base primer underneath my foundation. 


But maybe I'm looking at it in the wrong way, maybe knowing you could kill a man in two deadly moves - you'd think - 
'stuff it, I'll wear my short skirt, platforms and be damned! If I'm going down it'll be in my Jimmy Choos'.


Either way let me state for the record in the event of apocolyispe or a thermal nuclear meltdown - I for one will not be packing my Louboutin's! 


I'll be on the bus with Linda Hamilton and her beefy arms to protect me, not pinning my hopes on Jolie and her lip gloss!

My forearm fetish has gone bisexual....

Gerard Butlet and his sexy forearms

For years I have been crazy for men with great forearms, both in celebs and in real life. It's my weakness, my deal breaker, I can tolerate most other things in a man apart from wimpy forearms. 

David Beckham is just divine 

It's a raw, primitive, instinctive thing I can't rationalise. I have even gone out with some utter losers just because they had sexy forearms. But then again I once went out with a guy for 4 months because he wore a nice jumper, so don't listen to me. 

Russel Crowe:
The addition of a leather cuff, nice!

There was another guy I went out with for about a year. Who I couldn't have a proper conversation with, but he had the most scrumptious forearms. Time would ebb away as we'd sit silently in the pub. Just as the boredom felt like it was about to melt my brain, I'd get him to roll up his shirt selves and suddenly it all seemed worth while.

Tom Hardy: Fffffffwarh!!!

Specimens, worthy of particular note are; Russel Crowe, Gerard Butler, Tom Cruise, David Beckham, Tom Hardy, Leonardo DiCapri and Daniel Craig. I can also swing between the Tatts or no Tatts preference depending on my mood. Which is odd as girls are usually either for or against the Tatt aesthetic. 

Tom Crusie:  Look at those bad boys!

This could also explain my recent  crush on Tom Cruise.  Maybe, I just never noticed his forearms before. 


[Secret aside: I have a delayed crush on Tom Crusie?! Never ever fancied him in Top Gun or Cocktail but am crazy for him now...why is this?..is it just proof of advancing old age?].

Patrick Swayze:
The stuff of teenage girls dreams, sob!

I even managed to trace back the origin of my fetish and found it started with seeing Patrick Swayze, in dirty dancing when I was 13. I still get sad about Patrick and his luscious forearms no longer being with us. 








Now a seemingly separate thing is that I have a huge girl crush on Jenifer Aniston. I sit through some of her rubbish films happily just because I like to stare at her, she's so easy to watch and I like seeing her body from all different angles. 

Jenifer Aniston: That body is perfection!

Undoubtedly, she has the most amazing body, I love she's over 40 and her body is awesome, it gives me hope. Jenifer's is my perfect  dream body if I could choose another body to have out of anyone in the world it would be Jennifer Aniston's. It's got everything; it's lean yet feminine, she's got gorgeous natural boobs and a bum and all of her muscles are contoured to perfection. 




She looks strong and healthy, she doesn't look to thin or to musclely - I want that body!


I suppose the other thing is because I know she's had to work hard to achieve it, rather than it being divinely gifted to her makes it even more fascinating. As I think maybe, just maybe, if I trained and dieted hard enough I could get a body like her's. 

Jenifer Aniston's perfect forearms.

As I was pondering the different elements of Jen's body perfection, I realised the part of her I like most is her arms and in particular her forearms and BAM!..... my forearm fetish went all bisexual!!!


She has the most beautiful forearms I have ever seen on a woman. It differs from my feelings about the guys forearms though, as I like a beefy forearms on men. Jen's aren't beefy at all, there lean and feminine so obviously my lesbian forearm preferences are different. 

Jenifer Anistion's perfect everything. 

It gets weirder, as I'd like Jen's as my own forearms, which is not the case with Russel Crowe's or Tom Hardy's.  Also, I don't think about Jen's forearms wrapped about my waist either. 
I'd just like to spend some time with Jen's forearm's, marvel at them a while, stroke them a bit and rub cocco butter in them and maybe try on a few bangles.  
Yep - it's a proper fetish!

Kate Price: A feminist role model?...

So this one has been festering away at me for a very long time but I've been unable to articulate exactly why it bothers me so much. However, recent events have spurned me to let out at least a 15 years worth of ranting on this subject, so buckle up people this one's mammoth. 


Is Katie Price a role model for the modern woman? Is she a feminist icon? 

Margaret Thatcher:
The changing face of the feminist icon.

Katie Price:
Thanks for everything you've done to help squash
 female stereo-types, Katie.

I feel an affinity to this question as I'm of a similar age to Katie Price - what I mean is I've been making my way in the world at exactly the same time as Katie, and witness all her exploits in parallel to my own life. 

Love her or loath her she is in our social psyche and one thing that cannot be ignored  is the impact she has had on a generation of young women. 

A few weeks ago KP was invited to talk at the Cambridge Union Society debate. Assigned to a team with Anna Stansbury and Charlotte Vere, they were debating the motion: The only limit to female success is female ambition. Seriously, in a room full of  women who was ever going to win an argument against that motion?! 

The papers the next day lead with headlines claiming: "Katie Price WINS debate at Cambridge Union Society". Impling that KP had socked it to the snooty gals of Cambridge with her working class sass. 

However, this was not the case, The Independent's Tabatha Legget who was at the event recounted a very different version of events on her blog. Others who bore witness also commented that KP was rubbish, made no argument addressing the question, only talked about herself and had a snipe at Daily Mail columnist Liz Jones, who was on the same team! In her piece Tabatha Legget, also picks up on the fact that KP is touted in the mainstream media and society as a feminist icon and role model for young women. Frankly, this makes me balk. 

Let me make clear I don't begrudge anyone being successful and making the best with what they have.  KP has done exactly this, she's earned a lot of money and I'm not taking away from that - good on her. However, this fact alone does not mean she gets catapulted to the default status of Feminist icon. 

Now, weather I agree with KP getting her knockers out for a living and choosing to share every element of her seemingly vacuous life with the press is, beside the point. What I disagree with is that Kate Price is being forced up on us as a feminist icon. Increasing by valid sources, intellectuals, journalists and our peers and things like KP being invited to talk at Cambridge, or appear on News Night reinforce this message.  

What I take particular issue is with two things that the media always claims about KP.

1. She's an amazing 'Business women' 
2. She's a working class hero 

Refuting point A: - She's an amazing business women.

This irks me because I consider myself a business woman and it's flippin hard work. Spreadsheets, business cases, negotiations, infrastructure systems, commercial law, market analysis, consumer legislation, union politics, logistics, fiscal planning, sales forecasts, growth projections, CAPEX estimates are a few of the things of business. I'd love to discuss any of these with KP should she grant me audience, I have a feeling she'd refuse. 

I know many truly amazing business women and business leaders for that matter, who have over come adversity and boot strapped themselves into business with less support and exploitable resources than KP. 

KP is not an 'amazing business women' as so often is banded around after her name, she is a commodity, a product that a lot of very smart other people market. So that's the equivalent of saying that Coca Cola is a feminist icon. Other people do the actual 'business' of KP's business, I assure you KP is not the brains or talent behind her success, other people are. Other people mange her publicity, finances, write her books, other people negotiate her deals, design the art work and packaging. All of which is fine; just don't tell me she's a business genius Mr.Media! 

Or Mr. Media if you insist on claiming she is a 'canny business women' back it up, show me her 10 year business plan written by her own fair hand. 

*won't be holding breath*

What KP is, is an opportunist who is willing to do anything to make money. Again, that's fine, nothing wrong with that as long as within the framework of the law. 

However, putting her forward as a business woman role model does not help the cause of genuine business women at large. I can not think of a single instance in the board room when I have thought...hmmmm 'what would Katie do?'. 

So my question is, if she is an amazing business woman -  What's been her positive contribution to women in business? 

Refuting point B: She's a working class hero.

I hate this because I don't feel it does anything to support women from a working class background. I speak on this as a woman from a working class background. What KP does is reinforce a stereo-type that all working class women should aspire to become is topless models or WAGS. That we should all know our place and that, that is all we have to offer.We should not aspire to be teachers, accountants, business leaders, nurses, product managers, politicians, lawyers, doctors or Prime Minister. 

I know there's an argument that not everyone is academic and this is true. But to say that if you are from a working class background and not traditionally academic your only aspiration should be to be a glamour model is quite frankly patronising. I know numerous amazing women who are not academic, from working class backgrounds who have been incredibly successfully without going down this road. 

One friend of mine left school at 16 with no formal qualifications, went to study beauty therapy in the evenings at college, then went on to work for many years for a pittance in a salon. She grafted hard built up a client base and eventually opened her own salon. She now has three very lucrative salons, employs 11 people and earns considerably more than me and many other better educated women I know. 


Similarly, another friend from school left with not a single GSCE's, but she had fantastic communication skills and used this as a strength. She got on a YTS in sales, learn't the business worked hard for many years got prompted to a sales rep over achieved on every target,  won every sales award and bonus to boot. Got made Area Manager then Regional Director, managing a national field force of 130 people. She eventually, left set up her own consultancy bought a brand new Porsche,  homes in the UK and condo in Miami. Now she wizzes around the country helping companies teach graduates how to sell. Now both of those women are my definition of a working class hero's, you go girls, well done you. 

When are women like these invited to Cambridge to give a working class business women's perspective?... Oh that's right they're not, they ask Katie flippin Price to represent us instead!

I wonder what were Cambridge thinking when the committee sat around deciding the speaker line up? 

I imagine it as an all female Monty Python sketch with a load of slone rangers sitting around going;

"We really should be more diverse this year Henrietta, does anyone know any working class or black women whom we could arsk to come and talk?"  

*silence ensues* 

 "No. But Octaivia's friend Cressida works for the PR agency that manges that Katie Price person and isn't she from the working classes?.....

Maybe we could arsk her - she's a bit thick but has made some money, surely she must represents them all".

What was worse was seeing all the fine minded lady academics of Cambridge fawning over KP, looking at her as if she's the Dalai Lama and expecting her to say something profound. 


Maybe, was that just the affect of the  fame monster, either way honestly I wanted to vomit. 

This made me think maybe it's a class issue whereby middle and upper class women think they can't knock KP because that would make them seem elitist in some way.

Even Tabbatha Legget says in her blog, "I always had a feeling that she [KP] was quietly intelligent". 

Really Tabbatha?! Did you?! What exactly have you ever seen, heard, read about or by KP that made you think that? Or did you just want to believe that she had to be 'quietly intelligent' - otherwise why have we been looking up to her?

Do we all want to believe that? - maybe it's not at all about class, maybe we all feel we can't knock KP for fear of accusations of some sort. 


Of jealously because she's successful or deemed attractive. Or that old anti-feminist label - that when women criticize each other they are being bitchy that women are their own most enemy. 


So maybe because of this we all just nod along and don't dare to tell the truth about Katie Price, for fear of not being right on to the sisterhood. 


This annoys me, as it's an unfair notion that as a woman I have to agree and support everyone who has a vagina or if I don't that makes me anti-feminist. 


Men criticize each other all the time and no-one says, 'oh listen to him he's anti-MAN'.

So what makes a feminist icon?

Looking at it in objective terms - KP is a woman who has been successful due to her physical appearance and you can argue ambition. 


Fine, I have no problems with that but it's in no way unique. I can think of dozens of other women who could claim that same thing....really any famous model pick one. Naomi Campbell, Elle MacPherson, Kate Moss or Paris Hilton. The latter who probably has more in common with KP's success as a brand, to sell lines of other products - fragrances, clothes, eyelashes, whatever. 


The thing I'm confused about is that I've never heard any of those women referred to as a feminist icon's, so my question is; why is Katie Price? 

We have been wrongly sold KP as a feminist icon, business woman and working class hero and I for one am not buying it. I have also noticed quite a lot of men seem to think and worse tell me KP is a feminist icon. 


So, is it the men folk who decide our feminist icons now?

If so why do we go along with it? 

Or, is the truth that we're so desperate for a feminsit icon that isn't the angry, flat shoe wearing cliché, we are willing to hand the challis to anyone?

Or is it because they're aren't any other feminist icon's in public view to choose from?....and if so why is that?

I think these are the real questions we should ask.

Sorry, KP as a feminist icon is a pill I refuse to swallow. 


To achieve that title you have to contribute positively to the cause of women and inspire them to better and greater things, that aren't solely about money and fame. 

I actually think KP's impact has been negative in this respect, influencing a generation girls not to seek or aspire to academic or vocational success. But instead to pander to a male projection of silicon attractiveness and to value only cash. Which in effect surely makes her an anti-feminist icon. 

Or is it that we as women are all afraid to ask the real question.

What does it mean to be a feminist icon? 

Who do we want and what do we expect of our feminist icons? 

And also.....where the hell are they?

Is Katie Price all our daughters have to aspire to?.....is she the best we can do? 

If the answer is yes then I don't worry for myself, I worry for a generation of young women, who no longer aspire be Prime Minister but to be Katie Price. 

Cupcakes, kitten's and coolness

Hello and welcome to myblant.   

So this is my first post, the truth is I’ve been meaning to start this blog for ages - years and years in fact. But I'm a very busy lady you see and have been distracted with stuff like LIFE HAPPENING! 


You know busy with not calling my Mother back, having relationships, falling out with friends, working hard and not being recognised for it.......

......Travelling, having periods, eating a lot, drinking a lot, laughing a lot. Meaning to but not actually running a Marathon, meaning to but not actually learning a language..... meaning to but not actually volunteering at a soup kitchen on Christmas day, that type of thing.


Luckily for you though I have been jotting down notes for years, that I have of course been meaning to but not actually got around to posting. 

However, I've finally pulled my finger out and set up a pesky blog, whoop tick off the bucket list for me. I refer to it as myblant because I intend to do a lot of ranting on my blog, it's best you know what your getting into.  As such the merging of the words blog and rant with myblant seemed quite fitting.

So, what's myblant about?...


All I can say is it's likely to be about all sorts of interesting or dull things that often swish around my schizophrenic brain. 

It won't be cutesy

There's a place for kittens and cupcakes and this is not it

I can get as excited about a Joe Malone scented candle as the next woman. However, if you are expecting cringe inducing saccharine posts then this blog is probably not for you. No pictures of kittens or cupcakes will be cooed over ladies (well that may not be true either as I like both Kittens and cupcakes but I'll promise to keep it to an absolute minimum).


I certainly won't be, as they say on cuteoverload; 
“Scouring the internet to offer an overwhelming amount of cuteness to fill your daily visual allowance. Drink it in, People!”. 


On the contrary the only things I will offering you is my own ramblings and the only thing I will suggest you 'Drink in, People!', will be wine.

It won't be cool

Above: The impossibly  beautiful oh so cool Fashionsquad

Likewise - if you are expecting one of those cool blogs where I post instagram pictures of urban scenes and my beautiful friends lounging around supping endless soya lattes, then it's probably not for you either...*sigh* 


There's a waft of jealousy and a tad of bitterness about that as I did want my blog to be cool. 


Alas I had one huge barrier in achieving that goal... the fact that I am not cool! It's OK - I've got to the age and level of self honesty whereby I realise and accept this as a FACT. 


Don't get me wrong I know what cool is, I recognise cool when I see cool, usually as it glares at me in the street due to having my skirt tucked in my knickers. So I know what being cool is, I know what the face of cool looks like and it doesn't look anything like my face. 


I think I was cool once, years ago, for about ten minutes but it was honestly exhausting taking oneself so seriously all the time and never being able to get excited about a free pen or a 20% off voucher. So now I'm mostly uncool and embracing it wholeheartedly you'll be pleased to know.

Anyway, I just wanted to make clear that instead of being cute, uber cool or even attempting to, I will just write and rant about everyday things that genuinely interest and/or tick me off. 

The subject matter will vary broadly, either being hugely profound or mind numbingly trivial depending on the day I'm having. 


Expect modern feminism one day and a debate on benefit of stiletto over kitten heels the next, that's just what's going on in my head I'm afraid. 

Another thing is, I'd really like you to get involved and leave comments. 

So without further a-do I really should pop off and actually write some shizz for you people to read! I very much hope you enjoy myblant, till next time.