My day with Tracey 'A'

So in an bid to shed a few pounds I bought, read and attempted to under take The Tracey Anderson - 30 Day Method. 

Gwynie's and her ' pint sized saviour'

TA was made famous by training Gwynie, Madonna, Shakira, their friends and other rich thin people. 

They'd carry me out on a stretcher after a
work out with these pair!

Gwynie loves Tracey soooo much she is often on Oparh telling us all how fat and flabby she was until Tracey saved her. 

 So gargantuan is Gwynie's girl crush on The Anderson she's even invested in TA's gym's or 'body theatres' as they're now called.

'I am the Queen of perfection, and you are a loser!'

The 30 - Day Method is a book for £14.99 which includes a DVD. 


It opens with a foreword form her #1 fan Gwynie and motivation story form TA herself about what a great big fatty she used to after having a baby. P.S. previously, she was a dancer by profession, so not exactly a static rolly polly in the first place peeps.

The book consists of written instructions about the types of exercise you must do with the watch along video and the aptly named 'eating plan'. 

Diet - is like soooo last decade, it's not called a diet any more people.... it's called an 'eating plan'. And to eat anything from this plan you need another plan of how you are going to source and cook the damn things! 

The ahem...eating plan consists of Kale in every imaginable form - kale juice, kale soup, kale wrapped around other foods, Kale and fresh air. For those who don't know Kale is a leafy green vegetable full of iron and antioxidants. 


According to our TA, the recipe for Kale and boiled turkey soup is 'delicious'. 

[Aside to self] This lady has obviously never experienced a hot buttered crumpet on a freezing cold day, if that's her definition of delicious.

Another of the meal recipes is for a strawberry and mint salad which, it will come as no surprise consists of only, strawberries and mint. 

[Aside again] Surely mint is a garnish like say parsley, it's not a whole meal in itself!

There's a lot of that going on in this eating plan, pretending things are real food when they're blatantly not. Most of it's puréed as well like baby food. The blueberry apple sauce is another example. How can a sauce be an entire meal? 


The total calorie count of each day is...wait for it..... 700 cals a day!!! 




The equivalent of one French vanilla latte and a pain de chocolat!


The exercise programme each day includes a pilates type floor work section split into 10 day segments. Plus a dance cardio portion for which TA states;

“you really can't eat whatever you want unless you are doing more than 1 hour of cardio a day”.  

The optimum amount of reps for each move in the floor work section is 40 and some sets are on both right and left sides so that's 80 reps total. 


All in all done quickly this takes about an hour, more when you're new to the moves. So add that to your minimum 40 mins cardio a day and that's pretty much 2 hours exercise a day.Gulp! 

My first thought is; who has two hours spare per day to work out?

Taking the combined exercise and eating plan together I conclude that, there's a very logical reason why celebrities are so thin and it's not the reasons they always tell us in interviews. 


Let's site the ways celebs claim skinniness just so were all on the same page;

1. Good genes
2. Good metabolism
3. Running about after children
4. Busy running around with work

I am here to set the record straight.....it is non of the above. 


The reason celebs are twiglety waifs is they exist on 700 calories per day. 


Which means, no dairy, no wheat, no meat, definitely no booze and to top it off they do minium 2 hours of exercise every single day. 


Lets' do the maths people! The exercise burns about 1,000 cals per day.  Plus add to that the 1,000 your body burns per day just from breathing and pumping blood. So that's minus 2000 per day then add 700 cals from the eating pan, which equals a 1,300 per day calorie deficit.

How does one stay motivated to keep up this regime?  


TA knows - explaining the two hour work out per day is supposed to be 'you time' and should be 'scheduled' as a little treat to yourself each day. 


A treat is it?! I think not, certainly not my definition of a treat and I'll tell you why. 

When I did the workout for the first time, it made me sob out loud. 


Such an experience, is not a treat or my idea of 'me time' either. It's an ordeal, something you suffer through, when I finished I was physically shaking and wanted to vomit. 


Possibly the vomiting is a cunning side effect to spurn a few more calories and bring the days total down to 4. 


Maybe that's the idea of the eating plan as well, the power juice made from Kale, beetroot, spinach and apple also made me want to vomit. It should be called Tracey Anderson's 30 day vomiting method. 

This is not exercise it's levitation

Parking that, lets turn our attention to TA's talent herself - as an instructor is she any good? 

In the video, our baby oiled, shinny highness takes you through the movements effortlessly, looking smug in some kind of satin(!?) outfit. 


Whilst you are sweating and crying TA won't slow down or wait for you, no,no, no, you have to pause her all the time. 



She's just such a miserable cow, with her stoney cold glare and monotonous tone, that never alters in pitch. 

No smiling or shouting; 

"come on fatty, you can do it !"

She just pouts and dead stares at you from the screen. You see in her face that she knows she's a perfect princess and you are loser of the highest order. 




However, what was interesting was in a perverse way I found this incredibly motivating. Being fuelled by an overwhelming hatred of TA was surprisingly energising. 


I did the full 60mins cardio - Whoop - an extra kale leaf for me!

TA thinking, 'No smile for you LOSER!'

There I am in my living room (god knows what the neighbours must be thinking) lifting my legs and making grunting sex noises and I'm screaming and cursing at the TV - variations on the theme,

'Tracey you effing bitch, you mother effer, I hate you! If I ever meet you I'm gonna snap your effing 'teeny-tiny' arms off!'. 

Somehow the anger at TA channelled into my workout and I was unstoppable. I had a great work out and I got all my anger out in one swoop. 


Husband was very glad about this, as it mean't there was no anger waiting for him when he came home. 


Unfortunately, I was so physically and mentally exhausted from my day with TA - living like a celeb, there was nothing else left for him either. 


I was as miserable as TA in her video and I now understood why. All I could think about was food and the pains in my stomach and getting to sleep as quickly as possible to shut out the bread fantasies. 

Must 'schedule the time' to do this in my
living room as a' treat to myself'

Not a chat nor a quick bonk to be had that night in our house, I was like the Old Mother Hubbard of sex. 


And as I lay exhausted in my bed I thought isn't that the irony?


Being a TA disciple, I'll get my perfect toned size zero body, feel all confident and slinky and be to bloody knackered to ever have sex again! 






The terror of this prospect and of never eating cheese again mean't I only lasted 1 day on the TA 30 - Day Method. 

Here's the problem,  I'm not lazy and like to cook fresh, organic food but the eating plan is just tooooo damn convoluting. Plus, I'd have to 'schedule the time' to source and make each dish. 


This on top of the two hours a day I have to 'schedule the time' to do the work out. 


Doing the same thing at home is also mind numbing boring. Plus, having to 'prepare the area' by moving furniture, mirrors, mats and weights is a massive faff.

I'm never gonna look like this, FACT!

Wait lets do more maths people;

• Work out 2 hours
• Re-arranging furniture in living room post work out = 10mins  
• Post work-out washing/dressing/hair drying = 50mins
• Sourcing and cooking my silly eating plan = 2 hours per day
• Eating silly pretend food = 30mins
• Going to work = 8 hours 
• Commuting = 2 hours 
• Sleeping = 8 hours (daily requirement, Gwynie said on GOOP so must be true).

That's a tidy sum of 23.5 hours per day, that's without any time factored in to have a wee! 


A whole day in fact of just cooking, eating, exercising and going to work! 


I wondered, what about all the other important things I have to do in a day? 


I'm a busy lady - there's facebooking, laundry, reading, chatting to friends, cleaning, forgotten calls to mother, shouting at husband, watching crappy telly, drinking wine and so forth. 


I don't even have children - what if I had? How many hours in a day would I need then? 

Bye Tracey A...i'd say we had a lovely day
together but that would be a lie

Maybe TA's assumption is that everyone has a nanny, cleaner and a chef so that we all have enough time to ponce about doing a trillion leg lifts a day. 


That said, I'm preserving with the exercise though a few times a week, plus running and other classes, which is breaking TA's rules. 


As she states in a scary cult like tone; 

"Do not do any other form exercise, ONLY MY METHOD"

For a second opinion of The Tracey Anderson 30-Day torture & vomiting method, there's a good review by T.V. presenter Rebecca Wilcox, she actually did it for 30 days!

It's not enough to win Gold girls - you gotta look sexy!

UK Olympic hopefuls 

As we all prepare for Olympic fever, my good friend Alan pointed out an increase in stories in the main stream media featuring female athlete's and sportswomen, in sexy photo's shoots or in some way getting their kits off.

Why is this, I wonder? 


But then, quite a few inconsistency around women in sport confuse me.....


So far in the prep for the London Olympics there's been, the women's beach volley ball team having adverts on their arse's. They've become bottom billboards, arse adverts, booty product placements.



Then came the proposal that Women boxer's should have to wear skirts so that they can be 'distinguished' from male boxers.


Then last week Caster Semenya qualified for the London Olympics and it reminded me about the appalling 2009 World Championship debacle involving her. 

Caster Semenya, is the South African 800m athlete who won gold with a time  of 1:55.45. A time which is really close to the best male speeds for the same distance, in effect she was closing the a male/female speed differential gap.  

Because of this, she was forced to take a gender test, because as a female runner she was a deemed ....erm... too FAST!

She did not compete for almost a year until the International Association of Athletics Federations cleared her to run again after accepting the conclusions of an expert medical panel, that she is a woman.

Caster Semenya - breaking the world record in 2009

I remember being livid about this at the time, how desperately humiliating for her to gone though especially in front of the worlds media. 


And what was it all for?...because she's very good at something she'd worked hard really to achieve. There was never a question of her cheating in anyway, she was just too fast and this it was said 'aroused suspicion' about her gender.


Err hello!!...she's a runner!....oh but wait, she was getting as fast as the men folk and maybe they didn't like it. 


You can just imagine the patriarch shitting themselves can't you;

"What, she's really that fast?! Impossible she's a woman and a woman can't be nearly as fast at running as a man. Running fast is what men do, there must be some other explanation. Wait, I know she must have a penis, that's why she can run fast! Otherwise it would literally mean women are catching up with us.....and where would that end!"

Imagine the up roar if that had happened in any other profession - 

"Polly solved some really hard mathematical conundrum, but doesn't wear make up....oh it must because she's got a cock!" 

Caster Semenya - Make over

Fact is it wouldn't happen in any other profession, not openly anyway. As whilst the men folk at large have 'broadly' accepted the fact that woman are of equal intellect, they won't let go of the physical. 


I argue with men about this issue all the time and am often surprised by the opinions on woman in sport held by the most open minded, right on men. 


The message is Sports and 'the physical' are very much still the male domain.  


I'm sure one of the other reasons was also because of Caster's physical appearance. She is deemed to look 'masculine', whatever that may mean. 


Again I don't understand this, she is an athlete right?!  She's a runner not a lap dancer, she's not supposed to look sexy or feminine, when did those things become intrinsic to one's running ability?


Athlete's train their bodies, that's what they do, they build strength and muscle that's what there supposed to do. 

I'd bet it's because she's doesn't have have any obvious 'womanly' features e.g. boobs, hips, curves,etc. 


Well neither do the gymnasts wafting their ribbons about, so what's the issue? 


Maybe the issue is men don't compete at wafting ribbon's about so the patriarch doesn't care. 




Or because gymnast's, are being pretty and feminine skipping around, wearing glitter and make up, they MUST be female, even though they haven't got boobs or hips either.

Melanie  Adams - Pole Vaulter

Caster, probably lives on those protein shakes and trains insanely, she can run  a distance of 800m in under two minutes for gods sake, that must mean 0% body fat. 


If all I ate was whey protein and trained that much I wouldn't have any boobs either, quick someone check I still have a vagina!


Honestly, I think the kernel of problem was because Caster was closing the speed gap between male and female athletes and that threatens the masculine claim to physical superiority. The impactions of which question why females and males compete in gender specific groups. As if men and women's running speeds are so close, why shouldn't they compete alongside one another?


No apparently, it's not enough as a woman to be a good athlete you've still got to, 'get em out for the boys!' and be and sexy with it. 


No-one ever suggests any member of a women's beach volley ball team might be a man.....hmmm funny that.

Sophie Horn - Golfer 

Oh I'd love it soooooooo much if the Women's Beach Volley ball team were  secretly pre-op trannies, that would teach all the ogling blokes who only watch to perv at them. 


Maybe if they were trannies, at half time they could drop there keggs altogether and waggle there willy's about wildly shouting...... 

"Do you want to put an advert on this boys"!

Oooh that would almost be worth going to the Olympics to see.

Our lady action heros aren't worth their Salt.....

Angelia Jolie is beautiful but is she a convincing CIA agent?

So I just watched the film Salt with Angelia Jolie, now whilst one cannot dispute that Ms Jolie is beautiful (husband says not but I don't believe him) and talented, she's been great in certain films - Girl Interrupted, The Changeling. 
However, Salt was utter rubbish. 


This was annoying because not only did Salt steal 90mins of my life, it was one of those films that could have been quite good. 


It had potential, big budget, good action scenes, interesting story, albeit formulaic. Lone female CIA agent avenging murdered husband, wrongly accused of a crime and ultimately saving the entire world from nuclear destruction. 


I was preped for some 'You go girl' whooping, but alas Salt failed to deliver any girl power moments. 


Instead I was thinking- 
'if I were a rogue agent trying to avoid capture by being incognito,.... I wouldn't waltz around wearing a couture fur trimmed cape and matching fur hat.' 


Jolie simply wasn't believable as a crack CIA agent, trained since childhood to be a hybird killing machine and the most dangerous woman in the world.

Angelina Jolie as an AWOL CIA agent

I thought about why this was and I think the main reason is they just make her wear to much lip gloss. 


I refuse to believe that a real female CIA agents wear so much make up and such ridiculous outfits! 






At one point in Salt as Jolie is sent to assassinate the Russian President so she meticulously gets her killing kit together ready to go. Semtex check, weapons check, night visions goggles check, vemon extracted from a deadly spider check. 


Then she appears fully made up with a vixen hair doo,  that she's whittled with a swiss army knife. Maybe that's what they teach at SAS boot camp. 


So, do you suppose in the mists of the preparations, she just had time to whip out her make up bag and expertly apply a full on smoky eye, a light touch of High beam and Mac glass affect lip gloss - 'Can't be seen murdering a global leader with out my face on', she must have thought.


There's even one scene where she's supposed to have been tortured and beaten, one of her eyes is swollen and heavily bloodied. 


You imagine her having spent days in captivity at the mercy of ruthless tortures, who then it seems kindly let he re-apply her slap before leaving. 


Smoky eye again, exactly what you'd choose as your 'look of the day' if you'd just been water boarded and punched in the face repeatedly. 

Angelina's  CIA agent's practical 'day make-up'

It's also the outfits they always make them wear, chasing 'assets' through cobbled streets and jumping between roof tops in stiletto's and pencil skirts..really!!! 


As a person who has attempted running for the bus in a similar combo minus the AK47, I tell you it's just not possible.


This is the second film I have seen recently where the lead was a non-believable CIA agent, I also saw Fair Game where Naomi Watts was supposed to be real life CIA agent Valerie Palme. 


Even though Naomi was playing a real CIA agent she wasn't believable either. Unable to frown when the terrorist cell is compromised because of to much botox but always managing to re-apply the lippy to her pout. 


Don't get me wrong I'm not anti lip gloss, I love lip gloss, but I question if it's a priority for a CIA field agent?

Naomi Watts in her 'everyday' CIA garb
must be like working at the Vogue  office.

Maybe it is, maybe the powder room at the Pentagon is like the loo's at the Roxy disco on a Saturday night. 


I am sorely disappointed. They're presumably out there these female CIA agents and international assassins. So why aren't  being portrayed more convincingly in films?


Another thing with Jolie in Salt was the fight scene's they were simply awful - she's so thin and frail looking the notion that she could kick the ass of a 17stone man is frankly laughable. 

It's not so much that she's thin either, it's her frailness, she looks ill, weak, there's no strength to her thinness. She doesn't look strong enough to lift a fork let alone kick a man's ass.


The difference I suppose is if you consider Uma Thurman in Kill Bill even though she's thin, she's lean, she has an athletic strength to her slenderness and a posture that makes you think, yeah maybe she could beat up 88 ninja's. 


But Jolie's frame and posture is not convincing as strong enough to support herself dangling of a moving lorry.

Kate Beckinsale: Corseted PVC catsuit in Underworld

Sienna Miller : Corseted leather
catsuit....is there just like
one costume designer in Hollywood.

Now, you could argue that Jolie was more convincing in an action role as Lara Croft but this got me thinking that it's a matter of context. 


It seems there's a lot of female action hero's around, but only in a certain genre of film either fantasy or comedy. If you think about most action films with female lead roles most are super human-fantasy - Tomb Raider, Underworld, X-Men, Cat Woman. 


These are all women who are touched by some 'super human' or 'super natural' quality. For example they're part Vampire or a genetically modified mutant and they're also always in some variation of a corseted PVC catsuit. 

Beautiful Michelle Pfifer as
Cat woman the origns of the PVC catsuit maybe?

Again, this strikes me as strange anyone who's ever worn a PVC corset or catsuit for more than 2 minutes will verify - it is not the 'outfit of choice' for saving the world in! 






A PVC catsuit is not conducive to running, jumping, shooting guns and doing high kicks. The amount of talc one would have to apply beforehand boggles the mind. 


So what does this mean?...Hollywood like's women in action films to look like dominatrix madame's?...hmmmmmm...I wonder why that is?....Could it be because they are pandering to a male fantasy?

Charlize Theron: Corseted
but gets a bit more lyrca

Even beloved Trinity had to have
 a more defined corseted PVC catsuit for the Matrix squeal

Milla Jovovich: Resident Evil

Charlie's Angels: looking... oooooh really scary 
don't mess with these ladies or they'll pillow fight you to death!

The other genre where women feature in actions roles is films like Charlie's Angles where there's an element of tongue in cheek humour, you know your not supposed to believe that Cameron Diaz could actually sucker punch a gangland villain, so it's funny.

On the most part though, when Hollywood puts women in action roles in which are trying to achieve a level of dramatic realism it doesn't seem to work. 


Demi More I believe did try in G.I Jane, but the film let her down and then there was that other one with Meg Ryan as a army hero which was plain cringeville. 

Demi Moore in feistier days. 

The only films I could think of where the female action stars are convincing were Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2 and Signorney Weaver in Aliens. Isn't that sad just two, if you can think of any more do let me know. 

Linda Hamilton is hard:
I'm on the bus with you Linda!

Sigorney Weaver:
'Get away from her you bitch!' Whoop!

I've always had a feeling Sharon Stone would have been good, after her valid attempts to round house Arnie in Total Recall. 


But instead she flashed her muff at Michael Douglas and the rests as they say is Hollywood history. 


It's not about them being sexy either, both Hamilton and Weaver are sexy women in those roles. Who can forget Sigorney standing in her plain white pants after awakening from hyper sleep. 
My teenage brother nearly broke our VHS he paused that bit of Alien so many times. 

Sigorney Weaver: Sexy action hero
no PVC catsuit just plain white knickers
she may even have a bit of armpit hair going on (?!)

The difference is it's wasn't the now staple formulised definition of Hollywood sexy; heels, lip gloss, pneumatic knockers and PVC catsuit.

I read that during the making of Titanic, they even recreated the exact dinner plates and silverware they would have had on board the Titanic to create authenticity. 


I'd like to suggest to the producers, costume designers and make up artist of Salt that they should have applied the same amount of authenticity and let Jolie save the world with a scrub face and in trainers. 

Who drives the vanity though I wonder? Is it the patriarchal studio bosses demanding female objectification, so that even female CIA agents still have to be 'sexy' when stalking terrorists.  


Or is it the actresses themselves being so vain, they can't bare to be in a film without full on party make up?


I also saw Mission Impossible recently and again this stereo type was present.  The evil female assassin Sabine Moreau and the goody IMF agent Jane Carter who are both gorgeous. Fight to the death in clingy designer outfit's and sky-high heels without so much as messing up their blow dried locks. 


To be fair though Mission Impossible is probably not the best example as the male characters are also clichéd. Good Ol' Tom Crusie camping it up in designer suits and I'm quite sure he is wearing as much lip gloss as the ladies - well at least they're being equal!


The problem for me is I just can't imagine if I were a female CIA agent who knew where the nuke's were, that I'd give a shit about applying base primer underneath my foundation. 


But maybe I'm looking at it in the wrong way, maybe knowing you could kill a man in two deadly moves - you'd think - 
'stuff it, I'll wear my short skirt, platforms and be damned! If I'm going down it'll be in my Jimmy Choos'.


Either way let me state for the record in the event of apocolyispe or a thermal nuclear meltdown - I for one will not be packing my Louboutin's! 


I'll be on the bus with Linda Hamilton and her beefy arms to protect me, not pinning my hopes on Jolie and her lip gloss!

My forearm fetish has gone bisexual....

Gerard Butlet and his sexy forearms

For years I have been crazy for men with great forearms, both in celebs and in real life. It's my weakness, my deal breaker, I can tolerate most other things in a man apart from wimpy forearms. 

David Beckham is just divine 

It's a raw, primitive, instinctive thing I can't rationalise. I have even gone out with some utter losers just because they had sexy forearms. But then again I once went out with a guy for 4 months because he wore a nice jumper, so don't listen to me. 

Russel Crowe:
The addition of a leather cuff, nice!

There was another guy I went out with for about a year. Who I couldn't have a proper conversation with, but he had the most scrumptious forearms. Time would ebb away as we'd sit silently in the pub. Just as the boredom felt like it was about to melt my brain, I'd get him to roll up his shirt selves and suddenly it all seemed worth while.

Tom Hardy: Fffffffwarh!!!

Specimens, worthy of particular note are; Russel Crowe, Gerard Butler, Tom Cruise, David Beckham, Tom Hardy, Leonardo DiCapri and Daniel Craig. I can also swing between the Tatts or no Tatts preference depending on my mood. Which is odd as girls are usually either for or against the Tatt aesthetic. 

Tom Crusie:  Look at those bad boys!

This could also explain my recent  crush on Tom Cruise.  Maybe, I just never noticed his forearms before. 


[Secret aside: I have a delayed crush on Tom Crusie?! Never ever fancied him in Top Gun or Cocktail but am crazy for him now...why is this?..is it just proof of advancing old age?].

Patrick Swayze:
The stuff of teenage girls dreams, sob!

I even managed to trace back the origin of my fetish and found it started with seeing Patrick Swayze, in dirty dancing when I was 13. I still get sad about Patrick and his luscious forearms no longer being with us. 








Now a seemingly separate thing is that I have a huge girl crush on Jenifer Aniston. I sit through some of her rubbish films happily just because I like to stare at her, she's so easy to watch and I like seeing her body from all different angles. 

Jenifer Aniston: That body is perfection!

Undoubtedly, she has the most amazing body, I love she's over 40 and her body is awesome, it gives me hope. Jenifer's is my perfect  dream body if I could choose another body to have out of anyone in the world it would be Jennifer Aniston's. It's got everything; it's lean yet feminine, she's got gorgeous natural boobs and a bum and all of her muscles are contoured to perfection. 




She looks strong and healthy, she doesn't look to thin or to musclely - I want that body!


I suppose the other thing is because I know she's had to work hard to achieve it, rather than it being divinely gifted to her makes it even more fascinating. As I think maybe, just maybe, if I trained and dieted hard enough I could get a body like her's. 

Jenifer Aniston's perfect forearms.

As I was pondering the different elements of Jen's body perfection, I realised the part of her I like most is her arms and in particular her forearms and BAM!..... my forearm fetish went all bisexual!!!


She has the most beautiful forearms I have ever seen on a woman. It differs from my feelings about the guys forearms though, as I like a beefy forearms on men. Jen's aren't beefy at all, there lean and feminine so obviously my lesbian forearm preferences are different. 

Jenifer Anistion's perfect everything. 

It gets weirder, as I'd like Jen's as my own forearms, which is not the case with Russel Crowe's or Tom Hardy's.  Also, I don't think about Jen's forearms wrapped about my waist either. 
I'd just like to spend some time with Jen's forearm's, marvel at them a while, stroke them a bit and rub cocco butter in them and maybe try on a few bangles.  
Yep - it's a proper fetish!