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Monday, 17 September 2012

No More Page 3 - 2012



So, I'm supporting Lucy-Ann Holmes's campaign No More Page 3, to stop half naked women being shown on the third page of one of the UK's biggest national news papers. 

I can't believe; 


a) that it is the year 2012 and in UK a concept like Page 3 still exists 

b) people are still not only defending Page 3's existence, but actually arguing in favour of it! 

SHOCK - I feel like I've been teleported back to some parallel 1970's universe without the aid of hallucinogenic drugs. 


I kind of figured that everyone had just forgotten that page 3 was so obviously wrong in a modern society and once it was pointed out again everyone would go on mass;

 'Opps - shit, sorry yes we all forgot about page 3 - yes let's get rid of it asap'. 

No it seems you have to get a petition together to try to get anybody in government or the media to even take the request seriously!!


What's more by supporting Lucy's campaign on Facebook and in the press, I've been observing the furious responses and comments the campaign has generated. They've really surprised me, here's a summary of arguments against No More Page 3


#1 - 
If you don't like it, don't buy it! 

How does this argument make any sense? 

It's so pathetically simplistic to say that by not buying a copy of The Sun it will stop me from seeing it or being affected by it's existence. I don't buy arm's on the Iranian black market in either, but that doesn't stop me living in a world being impacted by the scary people who do. 

I have in fact NEVER bought The Sun, so by that logic explain to me how dear sirs, I have been exposed to it since I was a child, and still see it everyday as an adult, on the train or left on canteen tables? I see that as being forced to look at it by you, the people who do buy The Sun! Which is akin to forcing a vegetarian to eat a pork scratching! 


A primary teacher of twenty years recalled to me how they would ask children to bring in old newspapers to cover tables when the children were painting. Of course she'd have to go around and remove all the Page 3 pages, or as the 8 year olds kids apparently called it "The tits page, Miss". 


In some households the only paper they will have is The Sun and kids don't buy news papers, but they still see it, so how does the 'don't buy it' argument apply to children?

I also remember trying to explain the concept of page 3 to my Scandinavian husband, he was disgusted that such a thing could still exists in a modern society - in a national news paper - in the 21st Century. 


His immediate comment was "So children in the UK see it everyday? It made me ashamed that we as a nation don't do more protect our children.

#2 - Stopping Page 3 is against freedom of speech


There are many other countries in the world with long esbatilshed infrastructures and laws championing freedom of speech, but they just don't see fit to have semi-naked women on the third page of their national daily news papers. The rest of Europe in fact, and the USA who pride freedom of speech as a founding constitutional pillar of their society, they don't have page 3.

I mean clam down boys, no-one is saying you can't ever look at boobs again in a print medium!

The campaign is just saying Page 3 has no place in a national daily news paper in a supposedly modern and progressive society. 

I've noticed there seems a certain type of man who uses this argument and who is outraged by the suggestion of getting rid of page 3. He gets incredibly protective over his divine right to access porn (an issue worth more examination in itself). 


The cretinous Liam Mullone who would likely sell his grandma for a cheap gag is of this ilk, stating in his Huff post blog  about No More Page 3
"Plumbers have a right to their stiffies, and Danni has a right to supply them.
Therefore, he views any smight against page 3 as the first nail in the coffin towards potentially restricting his human right, as he see's it, as a 'red blooded male' to view porn. 

His definition of freedom of speech, means defending his right to pop into the corner shop and get the latest copy of 'Fisting Weekly', neatly positioned next to the 10p mixes and the cola cubes. 

#3 -  There are worse things going on in the world - get a life or support 'real' eqaulity issues.


In the same article Liam Mullon also sites #3 as his key closing argument. 
" I mean, for fuck's sake, we live in a world where women get TRAFFICKED for sex, in their thousands. Which is one of a million things more worthy of anger than this exhausted white-collar flannel about Page Three." 

Again a juvenile, over simplistic argument. I don't get how people can even make that argument in the case of No More Page 3 and not apply it to every second news story as well. 

There are awful things going on in the word everyday, many of which have campaigns. 

Just because I support one thing, it doesn't follow that I automatically don't support other seemingly 'bigger' issues. 

Besides, I don't actually think Page 3 is a small issue anyway, as it's relative to one's context and beliefs. 

For example, Premiership footballers wage packets is a small issue the way I see it. However, I can't expect the majority of the football supporting public to hold the same view. Many people feel very strongly about this issue which is why they debate it in the media, on forums and on facebook.  


So how does the "There are worse things going on in the world - get a life or can't you support 'real' issue" argument apply to that context?! 

By the same token haven't all those people got better things to care about in the world than footballers pay? Shouldn't they all be campaigning against the atrocities in Syria instead? 

Statements like these that attempt to trivialise a campaign like No More Page 3 are nothing more than pure, old fashioned sexism. 

The author of the new book  Super Man is an Arab - Jomanna Haddad's highlights this same attitude below, as she gets much criticism for her feminist views in her native Lebanon. 
"Some men ask me why I complain so much," she says. "They say to me: 'Well, at least Lebanon isn't Saudi Arabia.' But why say that? Why compare ourselves to worse countries? Why not feel inspired by countries that have gone farther in the fight for women's rights?"
I support many things some big, some small, some medium sized, No More Page 3 is one of them.  

#4 - The page 3 girls who make money from it aren't complaining so  why are you? 

Again the very premise of this argument is flawed, lets try applying the same principle to other scenario's where people get some monetary benefit from an action.


For example - Why ban drugs? Drug addicts and drug dealers aren't complaining! 

No usually it's other people that their decisions have devastating impact on, people who get mugged to pay for a junkies crack, families torn apart by a members battle with addiction. But what's the big deal the junkies and dealers aren't complaining are they!

Why stop bankers bonuses or MP expenses  - they aren't complaining about their big fat bonuses or getting their city flat funded by the tax payer!" 

Just because a person who financially benefits from an action isn't complaining, doesn't mean the thing they are doing is somehow right or ok for other people, now does it. 

My point is that just because some women choose to do something as individuals doesn't then mean that all women should automatically agree with the action and that no other women are negatively impacted by their choice. 

In addition, the issue of why women feel compelled to want to be Page 3 girls is a whole separate subject and something I touch on briefly in previous posts about Katie Price and about women in sports .


# 5 - Page 3 is the least offensive thing about The Sun 

This annoys me because it's an absolutely pointless argument made by people who actually say they don't like The Sun for other reasons anyway?!

So why bother drawing that distinction between different shite things The Sun stands for? Who benefits from that view? No-one. 

Why can't they agree and say "Yes - yet another reason why The Sun is utter rubbish". Then why don't they start a 'Shut Down The Sun' petition and I'll happily sign it. 

However, if you're to lazy to start your own campaign don't piss on someone else's.

What I draw from observing responses to the No More Page 3 campaign is the over whelming sentiment still exists;
"What are you all whining about. We 'let' you have some equality now shut up, case closed!" 
What concern's me the most is these responses aren't from some pre - historic cave man generation, this is not my granddad and his mates in the pub. 

This is modern supposed liberal minded, educated men and women, whom I'm likely to be sitting in the pub with and it scares the shit out of me that they still think this way!


Friday, 6 July 2012

Reading goop - makes me feel like goop




Here's some good news, reading my blog won't make you feel bad, insecure or inadequate. 


This cannot be said of some 'other' blogs...'Mhmmmm'....you know who you are. 


Other news today is, apparently Gwyneth Paltrow has just launched her first item of a new goop clothing line a 'perfect white tee' costing $90 in sizes 0-8. 


I'm getting increasingly fed up with celebrities or self styled 'lifestyle gurus' having blogs that seem to scream at you in husky, pussycatdoll voices;
"Dontcha wish your life was perfect like mine, dontcha wish your thighs were thin like mine, dontcha...."

Now, before I get accused of being jealous and bitchy, let me make clear I am not an irrational 'hater' of Gwynie per sae, or a mean negative type person. 


But, I'm singling out goop anyway for being the poster child for everything that perfect celebrity lifestyles represents. 


Besides, Gwynie once famously told People magazine that:
 "I think the people who are criticizing goop or criticizing the idea of it, don't really get it, because if they did, they would like it"

Erm Gwynie, I think you're totally missing something in understanding peoples criticism of goop


In a bid to help you with some constructive feedback, consider this, I 'get' your blog but it makes me feel bad. 


The whole concept of goop-esque blogs annoy me because behind their cheery, pastel façade, lurks a sinister sub-text which goes like this;


  • I'm rich, famous and beautiful
  • and have two perfect kids
  • and have a perfect body
  • and great career
  • and can afford to do pretty much whatever I want
  • and I'm going to tell you all about how great my perfect life is
  • and you'll read it and think I'm super great
  • and want to be just like me
  • and then buy all the products I endorse so I get even richer


Truth is I find it insincere, perpetuating a myth that everything is always sunny in their worlds. 


I'd just like some honesty, not all the time just every now and again. 



I live for the day when goop's monthly newsletter lands in my inbox with the title;


'How to get skid marks out of your husbands pants!'





....Oh but then I remember she's married to the ethereal Chris Martin who probably doesn't do such things.


Yet again making me feel inadequate for being married to a skid mark in pants type man, and not having my pick of rock stars.


I've observed the following - 2 minutes of reading goop and I spiral into fits of inadequacy and self loathing that go like this
  • My life's crappy
  • I'm a bit fat
  • I can't afford any of this stuff
  • I'm not on the membership council of swanky private members club or ever likely to be 
  • I don't have my own line of dresses, underwear, children's clothes or organic cheese...what have I been doing with my life!!
  • I married skid marks in pants man!...and he's never written me a best selling song, he's obviously a rubbish husband - I must divorce him immediately!!!! 



After I wallow in the pity party for a while the feelings subside and suddenly I'm over come by a rampant wave of indignation and rage. 


Who is this person that they should make me feel like all my choices are wrong. That I'm underachieving because I'm not 100% perfect and don't have access to a life of privilege. 


I suddenly want to fight for the fact it's OK to have chubby thighs and a skid marks in pants man husband. 

Then (and this is my favourite part) I let myself engage in a wild fantasy whereby, I catch Gwynie coming out of The Arts Club in Mayfair -  filp her the bird and say; 
"Sorry, love but I'm not letting you or any other celeb guru's do this to me..... 
I'm on to you and you won't be getting $425 of this losers hard earned cash for your silly cleanse diet or perfect white tee. So you get richer whilst making me feel like utter shite about my non perfect lot in life!" 
 *High fives self and scuttles away*


Back in reality though, I do realise I am in a minority on this subject, as I read blogs all the time that reference goop as a source of 'great inspiration'. So  I obviously must be the only person on the planet who feels like this. 

Oh well, seeing as goop has millions of users and probably only two people will ever read this post, the sad thing is that Gwynie wins and has the last laugh....
as in life. 

In truth via goop it's Gwynie who is flipping the bird at me and other average, unremarkable people saying, 
“Yup see you're a loser once again!! With your rubbish blog that no-one reads, I'm GREAT and everyone wants to be me! 
Now go use that money you slaved away for, to buy my cleanse diet and bring a splash of me-ness into your tragic, drab, little life!” 
*Swoshes impossibly shinny hair and marches off * 

Monday, 21 May 2012

My day with Tracey 'A'


So in an bid to shed a few pounds I bought, read and attempted to under take The Tracey Anderson - 30 Day Method. 


Gwynie's and her ' pint sized saviour'


TA was made famous by training Gwynie, Madonna, Shakira, their friends and other rich thin people. 


They'd carry me out on a stretcher after a
work out with these pair!
Gwynie loves Tracey soooo much she is often on Oparh telling us all how fat and flabby she was until Tracey saved her. 

 So gargantuan is Gwynie's girl crush on The Anderson she's even invested in TA's gym's or 'body theatres' as they're now called.


'I am the Queen of perfection, and you are a loser!'








The 30 - Day Method is a book for £14.99 which includes a DVD. 


It opens with a foreword form her #1 fan Gwynie and motivation story form TA herself about what a great big fatty she used to after having a baby. P.S. previously, she was a dancer by profession, so not exactly a static rolly polly in the first place peeps.


The book consists of written instructions about the types of exercise you must do with the watch along video and the aptly named 'eating plan'. 


Diet - is like soooo last decade, it's not called a diet any more people.... it's called an 'eating plan'. And to eat anything from this plan you need another plan of how you are going to source and cook the damn things! 


The ahem...eating plan consists of Kale in every imaginable form - kale juice, kale soup, kale wrapped around other foods, Kale and fresh air. For those who don't know Kale is a leafy green vegetable full of iron and antioxidants. 


According to our TA, the recipe for Kale and boiled turkey soup is 'delicious'. 


[Aside to self] This lady has obviously never experienced a hot buttered crumpet on a freezing cold day, if that's her definition of delicious.

Another of the meal recipes is for a strawberry and mint salad which, it will come as no surprise consists of only, strawberries and mint. 


[Aside again] Surely mint is a garnish like say parsley, it's not a whole meal in itself!


There's a lot of that going on in this eating plan, pretending things are real food when they're blatantly not. Most of it's puréed as well like baby food. The blueberry apple sauce is another example. How can a sauce be an entire meal? 


The total calorie count of each day is...wait for it..... 700 cals a day!!! 




The equivalent of one French vanilla latte and a pain de chocolat!


The exercise programme each day includes a pilates type floor work section split into 10 day segments. Plus a dance cardio portion for which TA states;
“you really can't eat whatever you want unless you are doing more than 1 hour of cardio a day”.  
The optimum amount of reps for each move in the floor work section is 40 and some sets are on both right and left sides so that's 80 reps total. 


All in all done quickly this takes about an hour, more when you're new to the moves. So add that to your minimum 40 mins cardio a day and that's pretty much 2 hours exercise a day.Gulp! 




My first thought is; who has two hours spare per day to work out?

Taking the combined exercise and eating plan together I conclude that, there's a very logical reason why celebrities are so thin and it's not the reasons they always tell us in interviews. 


Let's site the ways celebs claim skinniness just so were all on the same page;
  1. Good genes
  2. Good metabolism
  3. Running about after children
  4. Busy running around with work

I am here to set the record straight.....it is non of the above. 


The reason celebs are twiglety waifs is they exist on 700 calories per day. 


Which means, no dairy, no wheat, no meat, definitely no booze and to top it off they do minium 2 hours of exercise every single day. 


Lets' do the maths people! The exercise burns about 1,000 cals per day.  Plus add to that the 1,000 your body burns per day just from breathing and pumping blood. So that's minus 2000 per day then add 700 cals from the eating pan, which equals a 1,300 per day calorie deficit.




How does one stay motivated to keep up this regime?  


TA knows - explaining the two hour work out per day is supposed to be 'you time' and should be 'scheduled' as a little treat to yourself each day. 


A treat is it?! I think not, certainly not my definition of a treat and I'll tell you why. 


When I did the workout for the first time, it made me sob out loud. 


Such an experience, is not a treat or my idea of 'me time' either. It's an ordeal, something you suffer through, when I finished I was physically shaking and wanted to vomit. 


Possibly the vomiting is a cunning side effect to spurn a few more calories and bring the days total down to 4. 


Maybe that's the idea of the eating plan as well, the power juice made from Kale, beetroot, spinach and apple also made me want to vomit. It should be called Tracey Anderson's 30 day vomiting method. 



This is not exercise it's levitation
Parking that, lets turn our attention to TA's talent herself - as an instructor is she any good? 




In the video, our baby oiled, shinny highness takes you through the movements effortlessly, looking smug in some kind of satin(!?) outfit. 


Whilst you are sweating and crying TA won't slow down or wait for you, no,no, no, you have to pause her all the time. 



She's just such a miserable cow, with her stoney cold glare and monotonous tone, that never alters in pitch. 
No smiling or shouting; 
"come on fatty, you can do it !"
She just pouts and dead stares at you from the screen. You see in her face that she knows she's a perfect princess and you are loser of the highest order. 




However, what was interesting was in a perverse way I found this incredibly motivating. Being fuelled by an overwhelming hatred of TA was surprisingly energising. 


I did the full 60mins cardio - Whoop - an extra kale leaf for me!


TA thinking, 'No smile for you LOSER!'


There I am in my living room (god knows what the neighbours must be thinking) lifting my legs and making grunting sex noises and I'm screaming and cursing at the TV - variations on the theme,
'Tracey you effing bitch, you mother effer, I hate you! If I ever meet you I'm gonna snap your effing 'teeny-tiny' arms off!'. 
Somehow the anger at TA channelled into my workout and I was unstoppable. I had a great work out and I got all my anger out in one swoop. 


Husband was very glad about this, as it mean't there was no anger waiting for him when he came home. 


Unfortunately, I was so physically and mentally exhausted from my day with TA - living like a celeb, there was nothing else left for him either. 


I was as miserable as TA in her video and I now understood why. All I could think about was food and the pains in my stomach and getting to sleep as quickly as possible to shut out the bread fantasies. 



Must 'schedule the time' to do this in my
living room as a' treat to myself'
Not a chat nor a quick bonk to be had that night in our house, I was like the Old Mother Hubbard of sex. 


And as I lay exhausted in my bed I thought isn't that the irony?


Being a TA disciple, I'll get my perfect toned size zero body, feel all confident and slinky and be to bloody knackered to ever have sex again! 






The terror of this prospect and of never eating cheese again mean't I only lasted 1 day on the TA 30 - Day Method. 


Here's the problem,  I'm not lazy and like to cook fresh, organic food but the eating plan is just tooooo damn convoluting. Plus, I'd have to 'schedule the time' to source and make each dish. 


This on top of the two hours a day I have to 'schedule the time' to do the work out. 


Doing the same thing at home is also mind numbing boring. Plus, having to 'prepare the area' by moving furniture, mirrors, mats and weights is a massive faff.


I'm never gonna look like this, FACT!


Wait lets do more maths people;
  • Work out 2 hours
  • Re-arranging furniture in living room post work out = 10mins  
  • Post work-out washing/dressing/hair drying = 50mins
  • Sourcing and cooking my silly eating plan = 2 hours per day
  • Eating silly pretend food = 30mins
  • Going to work = 8 hours 
  • Commuting = 2 hours 
  • Sleeping = 8 hours (daily requirement, Gwynie said on GOOP so must be true).
That's a tidy sum of 23.5 hours per day, that's without any time factored in to have a wee! 


A whole day in fact of just cooking, eating, exercising and going to work! 


I wondered, what about all the other important things I have to do in a day? 


I'm a busy lady - there's facebooking, laundry, reading, chatting to friends, cleaning, forgotten calls to mother, shouting at husband, watching crappy telly, drinking wine and so forth. 


I don't even have children - what if I had? How many hours in a day would I need then? 



Bye Tracey A...i'd say we had a lovely day
together but that would be a lie
Maybe TA's assumption is that everyone has a nanny, cleaner and a chef so that we all have enough time to ponce about doing a trillion leg lifts a day. 


That said, I'm preserving with the exercise though a few times a week, plus running and other classes, which is breaking TA's rules. 


As she states in a scary cult like tone; 
"Do not do any other form exercise, ONLY MY METHOD"
For a second opinion of The Tracey Anderson 30-Day torture & vomiting method, there's a good review by T.V. presenter Rebecca Wilcoxshe actually did it for 30 days!










Wednesday, 25 April 2012

It's not enough to win Gold girls - you gotta look sexy!



UK Olympic hopefuls 
As we all prepare for Olympic fever, my good friend Alan pointed out an increase in stories in the main stream media featuring female athlete's and sportswomen, in sexy photo's shoots or in some way getting their kits off.



Why is this, I wonder? 


But then, quite a few inconsistency around women in sport confuse me.....


So far in the prep for the London Olympics there's been, the women's beach volley ball team having adverts on their arse's. They've become bottom billboards, arse adverts, booty product placements.



Then came the proposal that Women boxer's should have to wear skirts so that they can be 'distinguished' from male boxers.


Then last week Caster Semenya qualified for the London Olympics and it reminded me about the appalling 2009 World Championship debacle involving her. 


Caster Semenya, is the South African 800m athlete who won gold with a time  of 1:55.45. A time which is really close to the best male speeds for the same distance, in effect she was closing the a male/female speed differential gap.  


Because of this, she was forced to take a gender test, because as a female runner she was a deemed ....erm... too FAST!

She did not compete for almost a year until the International Association of Athletics Federations cleared her to run again after accepting the conclusions of an expert medical panel, that she is a woman.

Caster Semenya - breaking the world record in 2009
I remember being livid about this at the time, how desperately humiliating for her to gone though especially in front of the worlds media. 


And what was it all for?...because she's very good at something she'd worked hard really to achieve. There was never a question of her cheating in anyway, she was just too fast and this it was said 'aroused suspicion' about her gender.


Err hello!!...she's a runner!....oh but wait, she was getting as fast as the men folk and maybe they didn't like it. 


You can just imagine the patriarch shitting themselves can't you;
"What, she's really that fast?! Impossible she's a woman and a woman can't be nearly as fast at running as a man. Running fast is what men do, there must be some other explanation. Wait, I know she must have a penis, that's why she can run fast! Otherwise it would literally mean women are catching up with us.....and where would that end!"


Imagine the up roar if that had happened in any other profession - 
"Polly solved some really hard mathematical conundrum, but doesn't wear make up....oh it must because she's got a cock!" 
Caster Semenya - Make over
Fact is it wouldn't happen in any other profession, not openly anyway. As whilst the men folk at large have 'broadly' accepted the fact that woman are of equal intellect, they won't let go of the physical. 


I argue with men about this issue all the time and am often surprised by the opinions on woman in sport held by the most open minded, right on men. 


The message is Sports and 'the physical' are very much still the male domain.  


I'm sure one of the other reasons was also because of Caster's physical appearance. She is deemed to look 'masculine', whatever that may mean. 


Again I don't understand this, she is an athlete right?!  She's a runner not a lap dancer, she's not supposed to look sexy or feminine, when did those things become intrinsic to one's running ability?


Athlete's train their bodies, that's what they do, they build strength and muscle that's what there supposed to do. 



I'd bet it's because she's doesn't have have any obvious 'womanly' features e.g. boobs, hips, curves,etc. 


Well neither do the gymnasts wafting their ribbons about, so what's the issue? 


Maybe the issue is men don't compete at wafting ribbon's about so the patriarch doesn't care. 




Or because gymnast's, are being pretty and feminine skipping around, wearing glitter and make up, they MUST be female, even though they haven't got boobs or hips either.


Melanie  Adams - Pole Vaulter
Caster, probably lives on those protein shakes and trains insanely, she can run  a distance of 800m in under two minutes for gods sake, that must mean 0% body fat. 


If all I ate was whey protein and trained that much I wouldn't have any boobs either, quick someone check I still have a vagina!


Honestly, I think the kernel of problem was because Caster was closing the speed gap between male and female athletes and that threatens the masculine claim to physical superiority. The impactions of which question why females and males compete in gender specific groups. As if men and women's running speeds are so close, why shouldn't they compete alongside one another?


No apparently, it's not enough as a woman to be a good athlete you've still got to, 'get em out for the boys!' and be and sexy with it. 


No-one ever suggests any member of a women's beach volley ball team might be a man.....hmmm funny that.

Sophie Horn - Golfer 
Oh I'd love it soooooooo much if the Women's Beach Volley ball team were  secretly pre-op trannies, that would teach all the ogling blokes who only watch to perv at them. 


Maybe if they were trannies, at half time they could drop there keggs altogether and waggle there willy's about wildly shouting...... 
"Do you want to put an advert on this boys"!

Oooh that would almost be worth going to the Olympics to see.