Our lady action heros aren't worth their Salt.....

Angelia Jolie is beautiful but is she a convincing CIA agent?

So I just watched the film Salt with Angelia Jolie, now whilst one cannot dispute that Ms Jolie is beautiful (husband says not but I don't believe him) and talented, she's been great in certain films - Girl Interrupted, The Changeling. 
However, Salt was utter rubbish. 


This was annoying because not only did Salt steal 90mins of my life, it was one of those films that could have been quite good. 


It had potential, big budget, good action scenes, interesting story, albeit formulaic. Lone female CIA agent avenging murdered husband, wrongly accused of a crime and ultimately saving the entire world from nuclear destruction. 


I was preped for some 'You go girl' whooping, but alas Salt failed to deliver any girl power moments. 


Instead I was thinking- 
'if I were a rogue agent trying to avoid capture by being incognito,.... I wouldn't waltz around wearing a couture fur trimmed cape and matching fur hat.' 


Jolie simply wasn't believable as a crack CIA agent, trained since childhood to be a hybird killing machine and the most dangerous woman in the world.

Angelina Jolie as an AWOL CIA agent

I thought about why this was and I think the main reason is they just make her wear to much lip gloss. 


I refuse to believe that a real female CIA agents wear so much make up and such ridiculous outfits! 






At one point in Salt as Jolie is sent to assassinate the Russian President so she meticulously gets her killing kit together ready to go. Semtex check, weapons check, night visions goggles check, vemon extracted from a deadly spider check. 


Then she appears fully made up with a vixen hair doo,  that she's whittled with a swiss army knife. Maybe that's what they teach at SAS boot camp. 


So, do you suppose in the mists of the preparations, she just had time to whip out her make up bag and expertly apply a full on smoky eye, a light touch of High beam and Mac glass affect lip gloss - 'Can't be seen murdering a global leader with out my face on', she must have thought.


There's even one scene where she's supposed to have been tortured and beaten, one of her eyes is swollen and heavily bloodied. 


You imagine her having spent days in captivity at the mercy of ruthless tortures, who then it seems kindly let he re-apply her slap before leaving. 


Smoky eye again, exactly what you'd choose as your 'look of the day' if you'd just been water boarded and punched in the face repeatedly. 

Angelina's  CIA agent's practical 'day make-up'

It's also the outfits they always make them wear, chasing 'assets' through cobbled streets and jumping between roof tops in stiletto's and pencil skirts..really!!! 


As a person who has attempted running for the bus in a similar combo minus the AK47, I tell you it's just not possible.


This is the second film I have seen recently where the lead was a non-believable CIA agent, I also saw Fair Game where Naomi Watts was supposed to be real life CIA agent Valerie Palme. 


Even though Naomi was playing a real CIA agent she wasn't believable either. Unable to frown when the terrorist cell is compromised because of to much botox but always managing to re-apply the lippy to her pout. 


Don't get me wrong I'm not anti lip gloss, I love lip gloss, but I question if it's a priority for a CIA field agent?

Naomi Watts in her 'everyday' CIA garb
must be like working at the Vogue  office.

Maybe it is, maybe the powder room at the Pentagon is like the loo's at the Roxy disco on a Saturday night. 


I am sorely disappointed. They're presumably out there these female CIA agents and international assassins. So why aren't  being portrayed more convincingly in films?


Another thing with Jolie in Salt was the fight scene's they were simply awful - she's so thin and frail looking the notion that she could kick the ass of a 17stone man is frankly laughable. 

It's not so much that she's thin either, it's her frailness, she looks ill, weak, there's no strength to her thinness. She doesn't look strong enough to lift a fork let alone kick a man's ass.


The difference I suppose is if you consider Uma Thurman in Kill Bill even though she's thin, she's lean, she has an athletic strength to her slenderness and a posture that makes you think, yeah maybe she could beat up 88 ninja's. 


But Jolie's frame and posture is not convincing as strong enough to support herself dangling of a moving lorry.

Kate Beckinsale: Corseted PVC catsuit in Underworld

Sienna Miller : Corseted leather
catsuit....is there just like
one costume designer in Hollywood.

Now, you could argue that Jolie was more convincing in an action role as Lara Croft but this got me thinking that it's a matter of context. 


It seems there's a lot of female action hero's around, but only in a certain genre of film either fantasy or comedy. If you think about most action films with female lead roles most are super human-fantasy - Tomb Raider, Underworld, X-Men, Cat Woman. 


These are all women who are touched by some 'super human' or 'super natural' quality. For example they're part Vampire or a genetically modified mutant and they're also always in some variation of a corseted PVC catsuit. 

Beautiful Michelle Pfifer as
Cat woman the origns of the PVC catsuit maybe?

Again, this strikes me as strange anyone who's ever worn a PVC corset or catsuit for more than 2 minutes will verify - it is not the 'outfit of choice' for saving the world in! 






A PVC catsuit is not conducive to running, jumping, shooting guns and doing high kicks. The amount of talc one would have to apply beforehand boggles the mind. 


So what does this mean?...Hollywood like's women in action films to look like dominatrix madame's?...hmmmmmm...I wonder why that is?....Could it be because they are pandering to a male fantasy?

Charlize Theron: Corseted
but gets a bit more lyrca

Even beloved Trinity had to have
 a more defined corseted PVC catsuit for the Matrix squeal

Milla Jovovich: Resident Evil

Charlie's Angels: looking... oooooh really scary 
don't mess with these ladies or they'll pillow fight you to death!

The other genre where women feature in actions roles is films like Charlie's Angles where there's an element of tongue in cheek humour, you know your not supposed to believe that Cameron Diaz could actually sucker punch a gangland villain, so it's funny.

On the most part though, when Hollywood puts women in action roles in which are trying to achieve a level of dramatic realism it doesn't seem to work. 


Demi More I believe did try in G.I Jane, but the film let her down and then there was that other one with Meg Ryan as a army hero which was plain cringeville. 

Demi Moore in feistier days. 

The only films I could think of where the female action stars are convincing were Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2 and Signorney Weaver in Aliens. Isn't that sad just two, if you can think of any more do let me know. 

Linda Hamilton is hard:
I'm on the bus with you Linda!

Sigorney Weaver:
'Get away from her you bitch!' Whoop!

I've always had a feeling Sharon Stone would have been good, after her valid attempts to round house Arnie in Total Recall. 


But instead she flashed her muff at Michael Douglas and the rests as they say is Hollywood history. 


It's not about them being sexy either, both Hamilton and Weaver are sexy women in those roles. Who can forget Sigorney standing in her plain white pants after awakening from hyper sleep. 
My teenage brother nearly broke our VHS he paused that bit of Alien so many times. 

Sigorney Weaver: Sexy action hero
no PVC catsuit just plain white knickers
she may even have a bit of armpit hair going on (?!)

The difference is it's wasn't the now staple formulised definition of Hollywood sexy; heels, lip gloss, pneumatic knockers and PVC catsuit.

I read that during the making of Titanic, they even recreated the exact dinner plates and silverware they would have had on board the Titanic to create authenticity. 


I'd like to suggest to the producers, costume designers and make up artist of Salt that they should have applied the same amount of authenticity and let Jolie save the world with a scrub face and in trainers. 

Who drives the vanity though I wonder? Is it the patriarchal studio bosses demanding female objectification, so that even female CIA agents still have to be 'sexy' when stalking terrorists.  


Or is it the actresses themselves being so vain, they can't bare to be in a film without full on party make up?


I also saw Mission Impossible recently and again this stereo type was present.  The evil female assassin Sabine Moreau and the goody IMF agent Jane Carter who are both gorgeous. Fight to the death in clingy designer outfit's and sky-high heels without so much as messing up their blow dried locks. 


To be fair though Mission Impossible is probably not the best example as the male characters are also clichéd. Good Ol' Tom Crusie camping it up in designer suits and I'm quite sure he is wearing as much lip gloss as the ladies - well at least they're being equal!


The problem for me is I just can't imagine if I were a female CIA agent who knew where the nuke's were, that I'd give a shit about applying base primer underneath my foundation. 


But maybe I'm looking at it in the wrong way, maybe knowing you could kill a man in two deadly moves - you'd think - 
'stuff it, I'll wear my short skirt, platforms and be damned! If I'm going down it'll be in my Jimmy Choos'.


Either way let me state for the record in the event of apocolyispe or a thermal nuclear meltdown - I for one will not be packing my Louboutin's! 


I'll be on the bus with Linda Hamilton and her beefy arms to protect me, not pinning my hopes on Jolie and her lip gloss!