So in an bid to shed a few pounds I bought, read and attempted to under take The Tracey Anderson - 30 Day Method.
TA was made famous by training Gwynie, Madonna, Shakira, their friends and other rich thin people.
Gwynie loves Tracey soooo much she is often on Oparh telling us all how fat and flabby she was until Tracey saved her.
So gargantuan is Gwynie's girl crush on The Anderson she's even invested in TA's gym's or 'body theatres' as they're now called.
The 30 - Day Method is a book for £14.99 which includes a DVD.
It opens with a foreword form her #1 fan Gwynie and motivation story form TA herself about what a great big fatty she used to after having a baby. P.S. previously, she was a dancer by profession, so not exactly a static rolly polly in the first place peeps.
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| Gwynie's and her ' pint sized saviour' |
TA was made famous by training Gwynie, Madonna, Shakira, their friends and other rich thin people.
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| They'd carry me out on a stretcher after a work out with these pair! |
So gargantuan is Gwynie's girl crush on The Anderson she's even invested in TA's gym's or 'body theatres' as they're now called.
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| 'I am the Queen of perfection, and you are a loser!' |
The 30 - Day Method is a book for £14.99 which includes a DVD.
It opens with a foreword form her #1 fan Gwynie and motivation story form TA herself about what a great big fatty she used to after having a baby. P.S. previously, she was a dancer by profession, so not exactly a static rolly polly in the first place peeps.
The book consists of written instructions about the types of exercise you must do with the watch along video and the aptly named 'eating plan'.
Diet - is like soooo last decade, it's not called a diet any more people.... it's called an 'eating plan'. And to eat anything from this plan you need another plan of how you are going to source and cook the damn things!
The ahem...eating plan consists of Kale in every imaginable form - kale juice, kale soup, kale wrapped around other foods, Kale and fresh air. For those who don't know Kale is a leafy green vegetable full of iron and antioxidants.
According to our TA, the recipe for Kale and boiled turkey soup is 'delicious'.
[Aside to self] This lady has obviously never experienced a hot buttered crumpet on a freezing cold day, if that's her definition of delicious.
Another of the meal recipes is for a strawberry and mint salad which, it will come as no surprise consists of only, strawberries and mint.
There's a lot of that going on in this eating plan, pretending things are real food when they're blatantly not. Most of it's puréed as well like baby food. The blueberry apple sauce is another example. How can a sauce be an entire meal?
The total calorie count of each day is...wait for it..... 700 cals a day!!!
The equivalent of one French vanilla latte and a pain de chocolat!
The exercise programme each day includes a pilates type floor work section split into 10 day segments. Plus a dance cardio portion for which TA states;
All in all done quickly this takes about an hour, more when you're new to the moves. So add that to your minimum 40 mins cardio a day and that's pretty much 2 hours exercise a day.Gulp!
My first thought is; who has two hours spare per day to work out?
[Aside again] Surely mint is a garnish like say parsley, it's not a whole meal in itself!
There's a lot of that going on in this eating plan, pretending things are real food when they're blatantly not. Most of it's puréed as well like baby food. The blueberry apple sauce is another example. How can a sauce be an entire meal? The total calorie count of each day is...wait for it..... 700 cals a day!!!
The equivalent of one French vanilla latte and a pain de chocolat!
The exercise programme each day includes a pilates type floor work section split into 10 day segments. Plus a dance cardio portion for which TA states;
“you really can't eat whatever you want unless you are doing more than 1 hour of cardio a day”.The optimum amount of reps for each move in the floor work section is 40 and some sets are on both right and left sides so that's 80 reps total.
All in all done quickly this takes about an hour, more when you're new to the moves. So add that to your minimum 40 mins cardio a day and that's pretty much 2 hours exercise a day.Gulp!
My first thought is; who has two hours spare per day to work out?
Taking the combined exercise and eating plan together I conclude that, there's a very logical reason why celebrities are so thin and it's not the reasons they always tell us in interviews.
Let's site the ways celebs claim skinniness just so were all on the same page;
Let's site the ways celebs claim skinniness just so were all on the same page;
- Good genes
- Good metabolism
- Running about after children
- Busy running around with work
I am here to set the record straight.....it is non of the above.
The reason celebs are twiglety waifs is they exist on 700 calories per day.
Which means, no dairy, no wheat, no meat, definitely no booze and to top it off they do minium 2 hours of exercise every single day.
Lets' do the maths people! The exercise burns about 1,000 cals per day. Plus add to that the 1,000 your body burns per day just from breathing and pumping blood. So that's minus 2000 per day then add 700 cals from the eating pan, which equals a 1,300 per day calorie deficit.
The reason celebs are twiglety waifs is they exist on 700 calories per day.
Which means, no dairy, no wheat, no meat, definitely no booze and to top it off they do minium 2 hours of exercise every single day.
Lets' do the maths people! The exercise burns about 1,000 cals per day. Plus add to that the 1,000 your body burns per day just from breathing and pumping blood. So that's minus 2000 per day then add 700 cals from the eating pan, which equals a 1,300 per day calorie deficit.
How does one stay motivated to keep up this regime?
TA knows - explaining the two hour work out per day is supposed to be 'you time' and should be 'scheduled' as a little treat to yourself each day.
A treat is it?! I think not, certainly not my definition of a treat and I'll tell you why.
When I did the workout for the first time, it made me sob out loud.
Such an experience, is not a treat or my idea of 'me time' either. It's an ordeal, something you suffer through, when I finished I was physically shaking and wanted to vomit.
Possibly the vomiting is a cunning side effect to spurn a few more calories and bring the days total down to 4.
Maybe that's the idea of the eating plan as well, the power juice made from Kale, beetroot, spinach and apple also made me want to vomit. It should be called Tracey Anderson's 30 day vomiting method.
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| This is not exercise it's levitation |
In the video, our baby oiled, shinny highness takes you through the movements effortlessly, looking smug in some kind of satin(!?) outfit.
Whilst you are sweating and crying TA won't slow down or wait for you, no,no, no, you have to pause her all the time.
She's just such a miserable cow, with her stoney cold glare and monotonous tone, that never alters in pitch.
No smiling or shouting;
She just pouts and dead stares at you from the screen. You see in her face that she knows she's a perfect princess and you are loser of the highest order."come on fatty, you can do it !"
However, what was interesting was in a perverse way I found this incredibly motivating. Being fuelled by an overwhelming hatred of TA was surprisingly energising.
I did the full 60mins cardio - Whoop - an extra kale leaf for me!
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| TA thinking, 'No smile for you LOSER!' |
There I am in my living room (god knows what the neighbours must be thinking) lifting my legs and making grunting sex noises and I'm screaming and cursing at the TV - variations on the theme,
'Tracey you effing bitch, you mother effer, I hate you! If I ever meet you I'm gonna snap your effing 'teeny-tiny' arms off!'.Somehow the anger at TA channelled into my workout and I was unstoppable. I had a great work out and I got all my anger out in one swoop.
Husband was very glad about this, as it mean't there was no anger waiting for him when he came home.
Unfortunately, I was so physically and mentally exhausted from my day with TA - living like a celeb, there was nothing else left for him either.
I was as miserable as TA in her video and I now understood why. All I could think about was food and the pains in my stomach and getting to sleep as quickly as possible to shut out the bread fantasies.
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| Must 'schedule the time' to do this in my living room as a' treat to myself' |
And as I lay exhausted in my bed I thought isn't that the irony?
Being a TA disciple, I'll get my perfect toned size zero body, feel all confident and slinky and be to bloody knackered to ever have sex again!
The terror of this prospect and of never eating cheese again mean't I only lasted 1 day on the TA 30 - Day Method.
Here's the problem, I'm not lazy and like to cook fresh, organic food but the eating plan is just tooooo damn convoluting. Plus, I'd have to 'schedule the time' to source and make each dish.
This on top of the two hours a day I have to 'schedule the time' to do the work out.
Doing the same thing at home is also mind numbing boring. Plus, having to 'prepare the area' by moving furniture, mirrors, mats and weights is a massive faff.
Wait lets do more maths people;
This on top of the two hours a day I have to 'schedule the time' to do the work out.
Doing the same thing at home is also mind numbing boring. Plus, having to 'prepare the area' by moving furniture, mirrors, mats and weights is a massive faff.
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| I'm never gonna look like this, FACT! |
Wait lets do more maths people;
- Work out 2 hours
- Re-arranging furniture in living room post work out = 10mins
- Post work-out washing/dressing/hair drying = 50mins
- Sourcing and cooking my silly eating plan = 2 hours per day
- Eating silly pretend food = 30mins
- Going to work = 8 hours
- Commuting = 2 hours
- Sleeping = 8 hours (daily requirement, Gwynie said on GOOP so must be true).
That's a tidy sum of 23.5 hours per day, that's without any time factored in to have a wee!
A whole day in fact of just cooking, eating, exercising and going to work!
I wondered, what about all the other important things I have to do in a day?
I'm a busy lady - there's facebooking, laundry, reading, chatting to friends, cleaning, forgotten calls to mother, shouting at husband, watching crappy telly, drinking wine and so forth.
I don't even have children - what if I had? How many hours in a day would I need then?
A whole day in fact of just cooking, eating, exercising and going to work!
I wondered, what about all the other important things I have to do in a day?
I'm a busy lady - there's facebooking, laundry, reading, chatting to friends, cleaning, forgotten calls to mother, shouting at husband, watching crappy telly, drinking wine and so forth.
I don't even have children - what if I had? How many hours in a day would I need then?
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| Bye Tracey A...i'd say we had a lovely day together but that would be a lie |
That said, I'm preserving with the exercise though a few times a week, plus running and other classes, which is breaking TA's rules.
As she states in a scary cult like tone;
"Do not do any other form exercise, ONLY MY METHOD"For a second opinion of The Tracey Anderson 30-Day torture & vomiting method, there's a good review by T.V. presenter Rebecca Wilcox, she actually did it for 30 days!
